Where is my self esteem?
I got back from my road trip so relaxed, but even as I was opening the mail from while I was away I saw a formal looking document from the graduate school. I didn't want to open it, but knew if I didn't the knot in my stomache would just get worse. It was just notification that my probationary period was up and I needed to complete the process for confirmation of my PhD candidature by the 26 March. The process is fairly straightforward and involves preparing a research proposal style of document and a presentation to the Faculty. Logically, none of this is really a problem since I already have a research plan I devised for myself and have produced lots of stuff for a presentation. Nonetheless I had to fight down the immediate development of knots in my stomache.
Then I checked my email- there were 300 of them to go through. Among the unread email was stuff about my readers reports being due for
SCERH - there were 7 of them. This was followed by email from my supervisor that she had commented on my journal article and the manuscript was in my pigeon hole at work. I think I began to panic a little at this point, but I managed to talk myself through it by calmly telling me I was up to this and I'd get through it all a piece at a time.
My first day in the office was full on, doing all the readers reports and catching up completely on all the SCERH stuff. I also managed to finish off reading and sorting through my email, and to start on the confirmation of candidature paperwork. I discovered my supervisor's comments on my article were very perceptive.. and I think it was at this stage that I really began to quietly panic inside.
I had so much work to do and simply didnt know where to start. Should I amend the draft research proposal according to feedback I got before Christmas or the 3 chapters of my thesis? How could I amend the article to take on board my supervisor's comments, I mean her criticism was correct but I just couldn't see where or how to start. I wondered where I had stored the article Carolla told me about and I still needed to read the methodology text my supervisor referred me to. I decided to look at the document for my confirmation of candidature and was totally thrown when I realised I couldn't use any of the stuff I already had until I amended it according to my supervisor's feedback. I also needed to integrate all of her comments along with the various versions of each document I had drafted. I was having the worse case of writer's block ever in the history of the world I think- well thats how it felt.
To make matters worse, I was told the
Centre was moving and I was expected to part ways with my office in the following week, however my new office at Clayton still isn't ready. I managed to sort some temporary space for myself at Clayton thanks to the support of
my team.
I had a long grizzle in chat with a mate from Perth who lectured me very affectionately about my state of mind and revved me up and encouraged me in a pushy but effective way. While we were chatting I wrote 2 sentences and had a germ of an idea and then I was off, writing again. I've finished editing the draft research plan, have started on the document for my review (left it blank where I got stuck) and put it to one side, found the article Carolla recommended and re-read it, read the book my supervisor wanted me to look at and finished the first round of changes to my journal article addressing my supervisor's concerns. It still needs more work, but when I re-read what I had written yesterday I realised it was very good and that it's in my interests to make changes to all my work to reflect the new stuff... It gave my work context and structure that probably wasn't there before.
I have a meeting this afternoon to check out my temporary work space and then I'll go to gym. It's been a hell of a week. I so wish I wouldn't get as stressed as I did, but I've survived and right now I feel good. One day I will learn to feel assured that I can manage this stuff and come though just fine... I suppose until then I will have to endure these hellish stress cycles... but at least I get through them instead of being lost inside them and that has to be good :)
Back to work for a little while :)
Christmas and New Year's Eve were delicously enjoyable.
It was difficult to get stuck back into work this morning in some ways. It took a little while to re-orient myself and find a suitable place to start again. I'm glad I checked email and did other sorts of maintenance/administrative work over the break as at least there was no need to catch up in that respect.
I began integrating my various versions of chapter 1 of my thesis and so far it looks fairly presentable. Once the draft of chapters 1, 2 and 3 is finished I intend to go on by looking at research methodologies. I read a really great article this afternoon by Avgerou that a friend and colleague, Carolla, told me about today.
I met her out at Melbourne University and we went over a range of stuff. We have a lot in common and think alike in many ways. She is finishing her doctorate later this year.
Tomorrow I will go into the office for the first time this year and so ensure I keep on top of things. I'll also try to catch up with my Supervisors briefly before heading off on a 2 week holiday later on this week.
I'm also going to catch up with Lito about
LaTex later on on the month so that I can resolve my bibliographic woes.
I'll submit my article to various peer reviewed journals at the end of the month.
Two weeks of kayaking and camping later on this week... in the mean time I have a heap of work to get through.
